2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
