Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
