You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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