I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
