You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm way too hungover for life right now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
