I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
