I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
