Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
