from now on my penis is your penis
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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