I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
