Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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