Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
