I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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