I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
