Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
