I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
