I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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