this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You smell like stripper and shame
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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