Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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