this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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