Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
