Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
