Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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