I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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