I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
