don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
