I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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