dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
