I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
