***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
