we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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