the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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