I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
