u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
