I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
