Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
