We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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