The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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