The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
farters have to be the big spoon...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
