Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
