I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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