I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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