so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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