And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
