do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
