I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
