I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
