how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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