my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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