Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
