That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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