Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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