so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
