I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
