Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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