i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
