I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
