I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The power of my boobs compel you
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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