His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
