I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
they need to just BURY HIM!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
