My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
