god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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