You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think I sprained my soul last night
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
