i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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