i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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