I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
